🐎I’m On A Mission To Get Myself A Horseshoe Before The End Of The Week🐴

Along with my journey to a slimmer, happier & healthier me, I am also on a quest to become more spiritual & in tune with the universe & nature.

I guess we will call it ‘Nature Based Spirituality’. 

I have this lovely blue box filled with little rituals & spells for health & happiness. I purchased this for myself probably about 10 years ago. Using it for the first time starting today!

 

👇Below is the card I picked for today👇

  

 It’s called ‘Horseshoe’ and here is what it says to do:

  1. Take a horseshoe home and tie a brightly coloured ribbon to it, very simply.
  2. Make a wish for happiness in your life, while holding the shoe up to the first crescent moon occurring after you have taken possession of the shoe.

Address the Goddess of the moon and of horses (call her Epona if you like) then say something like:

“Lady, by this sign I know you watch me. Please honor these, my dreams.”

Now light a brand new silver candle for just 5 minutes and place the horseshoe at the base.

Your wishes will be homered as long as you have no doubts.

Hang the horseshoe over a door, outside your house.

Credit: Titianas Spell Cards2001

So there you go, I am going to go get myself a horseshoe, find out when the next crescent moon is and grab some ribbon as well as a silver candle.

I’ll let yall know how it goes👌

👍Back On Track Bitches!

So, I shit the bed on my weightloss journey. 

Was totally out of her for the last 3 weeks. I wasn’t even meeting my step goal or tracking food.

Gave myself a blast of shit and a good talking too and now I’m good to go!

I don’t know what’s with the poop talk, maybe it’s all the fibre I took this am.

   

   

Fuck You Timbits!

Those little balls of tasty donuts we have come to love so much, AKA donut holes or robins eggs are actually devious little bastards who must be avoided by all dieters, at all costs!

 

Or you can dig in and feel like a fat cow who has no willpower like I did. I  really couldn’t give a shit. 

CPAP Therapy For Sleep Apnea

  

Once I hit the 230ish pound mark with my weight, I also developed Sleep Apnea.

I was never a loud snorer, or even a snorer at all when I was a healthy weight. As I gained more and more weight, my Sleep Apnea got worse and worse. My snoring became no disturbing to my partner at night that I just decided instead of being yelled at and kicked out of bed at all hours of the night that I would just start sleeping on the couch. That didn’t even help much as I would still wake my partner at night with my snoring from the front room to the bedroom. My sleep apnea also became a problem at work, not only affecting my performance negitiely, but also all the trades that shared a wing with me in camp. 

I was tired all the time, my depression and anxiety got worse and I was one hell of an angry bitch to be around even at the best of times. I would wake up with headaches everyday that would last almost all day! I couldn’t lose weight, I was so miserable!  All I wanted to do was sleep. This went on for over a year.

Once I started having trouble breathing while I was awake on top of everything else, I went to the doctor, well doctors but different story.

I was given a sleep test and was confirmed to have severe Sleep Apnea. I was stopping breathing 25-43 times a MINUTE through out the night! I was also getting up to pee around 6 times a night and had the worst heartburn ever. No wonder I felt so awful. My doctor said the Sleep Apnea affected more than I would have guessed! Depression, weight, heart health, anxiety the list goes on.

2 months ago I was sent home with a trial CPAP (continuous positive air pressure) machine and given a respitory therapist. I actually walked out of the first appointment and refused to use a sleep machine. I was so angry that I had let it come to this and I was also ashamed to have to sleep with a machine that kept me breathing. When I told my doctor that I had left the appointment, he immediately sent me back and told me I HAD to accept this treatment. So I did.

I am SO glad my doctor pushed me so hard to accept the Sleep Apnea treatment! I sleep like a baby at night now (for the most part) and wake up everyday feeling like a human being. I rarely find myself nappy during the day and my mood has levelled out to a more tolerable level. My body is thanking me too, as I have taken so much stress off it. I am even ready to start sharing a room again with my boyfriend after 2 years of sleeping apart. The face mask doesn’t bother me, my machine is nice and quiet as well, with heated humidity control to boot! My respiratory therapist showed me the data from my sleep machine and I am now having less than 3 episodes per night! 

The machine I bought cost $2400 out of pocket which was a pretty big hit to the bank. The healthcare in Alberta does not cover Sleep Apnea treatment, which I think is total BS. The other downside, is that once I have lost all my weight and I no longer need CPAPTherapy, I will be stuck with my $2400 machine as appearantly it is illegal to sell them personally. I’ll suck that up though, I don’t think a cost could be put on my health and having a good sleep.

If you think you may have Sleep Apnea, be sure to get tested! There are a lot of long term complications with your health that can arise and are definately very scary! Plus, once you feel the magic of a good nights sleep, you will thank yourself!

   

     

I Dont Even Know My Fathers Name 



And it kills me inside. I have never even seen a picture of him.  My mom says he looked like Vince Gill. 

The story I have been told by my mother is that she was 30 and my dad was 18 when she accidentally got pregnant with me. My dad was supposedly in college for forestry and my mom didn’t want to ruin his life so she moved away from Vancouver Island shortly after I was born.

She says that my dad came to see me in the hospital the day I was born and then my mom moved us and she never seen or heard from him again.

I have 2 older brothers that are in their late 40’s. I don’t talk to them much, I really never did. They are family because we share the same mother and that is pretty much the extent of it. My brothers made their feeble attempts to reconcile with my mother and be a part of my and my younger brother Jons life, but nothing ever came of it except more drama.

When I was 19 my 2nd older brother came to the island to  see us. Him and I went downtown to the bar and ended up getting totally wasted and bringing up every bad thing that had happened to us growing up. One of the things he told me was that I shared a father with him and my oldest brother. He also told me that ‘our’ father died 2 years earlier and he was once a janitor at the bar we were drinking in. I told him about the molestations, the bad boyfriends, all the moving around, moms issues, the foster homes and everything else I could think of. I unloaded 19 years of bad experiences, bad memories, anger, fear and hate on him in just 4 or 5 hours. 

I went back to my boyfriends place and tried to kill myself in his mothers bathroom. Luckily, I was so drunk that that the bottles of pills I was attempting to empty into my belly were vitamin E & C capsules. I was also lucky that even if I had of gotten my hands on dangerous pills, he was not 3 minutes behind me into the bathroom. I was so devastastated, ashamed and embarrassed the next morning. I was also thankful I was alive.

I was not witness to the fight that ensued once my brother got back to my moms apartment after the bar that night. I was told it was really bad and that my younger brother had to call the police to get my older brother out of the house and away from my mom. I don’t really want to think about all the awful things he said to he that night. They never spoke again, 10 years later she died.

I was really angry after it was put into my mind that I could have just went downtown and met my dad if my mom had of just told me the truth. I didn’t know why she would lie to me about who my dad was when she knew how important knowing my father was to me. I did eventually question her about what my brother had told me about us 3 kids having the same father. My mom swore on her life that I did not have the same dad as my older brothers and she does not know why my brother told me that. 

Not having my father in my life has sucked big time! It hurts a lot. I wish I could have even just seen a picture of him, so I would know if I looked like him at all. I often wonder if he would have been a good dad. What would have my life been like if instead of becomming a permanent ward of the courts and being shipped from foster home to foster home, I got to go live with my dad. Where and who would I be now? 

I know I made a lot of bad choices growing up. I was always looking for a man to love me, but it was never right or never enough for me. I gave myself freely many times and let many men walk all over me and control me, belittle me, abuse me and use mein exchange for love that I never got. 

I missed having my dad in my life and I still do everyday. Will I ever get over never knowing where I came from? I don’t know. Is this something that should effect me and my life so hugely? I don’t know, there are millions of people who don’t know their parent or even parents and they get on just fine. Then there is me, who doesn’t know how to act at a family dinner or on Christmas morning. Me who feels uncomfortable around other people’s families durning a holiday or celebration. Me who is silently jealous of every person, especially my friends who have a loving mother and father and a tight family. 

Who is going to walk me down the isle?

Guess love and family is all that matters in life to me. I yearn for it, dream of it and have searched my whole life for it. 



I Was Molested & Raped



Just a heads up for anyone who maybe negatively triggered by such topics as rape or molestation. Cause that’s what I am about to share.

I don’t have a lot of memories from when I was a child. Unfortunately, I do remember being molested and sexually abused at least four times ( that I am aware of).  

The first time I was molested was at the age of three. I don’t remember it like it was yesterday, but I remember the awful feelings and being so scared and uncomfortable. I remember it happened in the living room on the floor and then I was taken to my room and told there were snakes under my bed and in my closet that would kill me if I got out of bed. I also remember telling my mom and I remember the police, social workers and the dolls I was given to show what he had done to me. I remember being scared of the dark from then on, as well as starting to see plants move across the room and patterns on walls or blankets turning into spiders crawling all over my room. The piece of shit guy who molested me was my 19 year old babysitter. My mom found him from our building to sit me so she could go to bingo.  

The second time it happened, I was sleeping over at a friends house. I was eight. I woke up in the middle of the night to my friend deaf uncle licking and touching me. There were 4other young girls sleeping in the room as well when this happened. I remember wishing someone would just wake up so he would stop. I was too scared to move or say anything. When he was done he put his finger to my lips as to say Shhhhh. I never told my mom until over a year later. We had moved away and lost contact with those people, so I guess it was out of sight out of mind for me. Until my mom ran into him at bingo one night and he offered to give us free meat. I was only able to stomach him coming over to our place a couple times before I finally broke down and told my mom what had happened over a year ago. My mom pretty much told him to take his meat and shove it where the sun don’t shine and we moved once again. My mother always moved us when something went wrong. I guess that was the only way she knew how to deal with things was to run away.  

The next time I was around six and my younger brother was about 2. My mom used to leave us with an older couple from our building when she went to bingo. Only a couple of times, thank God. This old, gray couple would make us bathe and insist on the washing us and our private areas. Then they made us stand together naked while they used the blow dryer to dry our bodies. It was creepy, weird and just plain uncomfortable. I knew it wasn’t right but I didn’t know what to do about it.

The last time I remember it happening, I was about 12. My mom had sent me out to the busy street by our apartment to try and sell a rabbit fur jacket we were given. We were in desperate need of bread and milk and my mother needed cigarettes. The busy street I was standing on was in a crappy area of the city. I was standing right beside a well-known dirty, scabby bar. I remember an older guy came over and asked what I was doing and I told him “I was selling this jacket for $20” he asked if he could feel it? and I said okay. He reached right over the jacket and started rubbing my (nonexistent) breast. I had no idea what to do, I just stood there. A couple hookers seen what was going on. They came over and chewed him out and told me to get the fuck home. 

I wish I didn’t remember any of these things happening to me. I also wish I could just let it go. I have also been raped, not violently or anything, but it still sucked.

 I had a boyfriend for 3 years, who used to force me to have sex with him. I could’ve been eating, outside with the dog, doing laundry or even sleeping and he would just rip my pants down and have sex with me even though I told him no. At first I fought him a bit, but then I just started to lay there and let him. 

I have written about this before but, I’ve also been drugged and raped at a party. I don’t know by who. I just remember the party and then waking up the next day with my panties around my ankles and my skirt over my back. Knees on the floor, belly on the bed. That was scary. I was so worried that I would get pregnant or a disease. What also drove me crazy was that I knew whoever did it was friends with my boyfriend at the time. Whenever I was out at a party or the bar I was always wondering if he was there and if he was watching me. 

These experiences ruined my sex life, self-worth and confidence and I believe are some of the reasons I became so depressed and developed severe social anxiety. 

Weight Loss Tip



I got this from a nutritionist on last nights episode of  My 600Lb Life. I liked it. 

Speaking of #My600LbLife last nights episode left me wanting more.  I don’t know why they wouldn’t finish his story. He spent the first 3/4ths of the show  struggling very hard and even gaining more weight!, he was almost 800Lbs!!! Then he got a personal trainer and started eating better, got his surgery and lost 200lbs. Then that was it, the show was over,  I was disappointed. I NEED to know how how Joe is doing! Did he keep working out and lose all the weight? Did he fall back into his old ways and gain? C’mon TLC, why did you do that?

Oh well, good luck Joe, you CAN do it!!! I hope next time I see you on TV you are healthy, happy and at, or very close to your goal🌼