And it kills me inside. I have never even seen a picture of him. My mom says he looked like Vince Gill.
The story I have been told by my mother is that she was 30 and my dad was 18 when she accidentally got pregnant with me. My dad was supposedly in college for forestry and my mom didn’t want to ruin his life so she moved away from Vancouver Island shortly after I was born.
She says that my dad came to see me in the hospital the day I was born and then my mom moved us and she never seen or heard from him again.
I have 2 older brothers that are in their late 40’s. I don’t talk to them much, I really never did. They are family because we share the same mother and that is pretty much the extent of it. My brothers made their feeble attempts to reconcile with my mother and be a part of my and my younger brother Jons life, but nothing ever came of it except more drama.
When I was 19 my 2nd older brother came to the island to see us. Him and I went downtown to the bar and ended up getting totally wasted and bringing up every bad thing that had happened to us growing up. One of the things he told me was that I shared a father with him and my oldest brother. He also told me that ‘our’ father died 2 years earlier and he was once a janitor at the bar we were drinking in. I told him about the molestations, the bad boyfriends, all the moving around, moms issues, the foster homes and everything else I could think of. I unloaded 19 years of bad experiences, bad memories, anger, fear and hate on him in just 4 or 5 hours.
I went back to my boyfriends place and tried to kill myself in his mothers bathroom. Luckily, I was so drunk that that the bottles of pills I was attempting to empty into my belly were vitamin E & C capsules. I was also lucky that even if I had of gotten my hands on dangerous pills, he was not 3 minutes behind me into the bathroom. I was so devastastated, ashamed and embarrassed the next morning. I was also thankful I was alive.
I was not witness to the fight that ensued once my brother got back to my moms apartment after the bar that night. I was told it was really bad and that my younger brother had to call the police to get my older brother out of the house and away from my mom. I don’t really want to think about all the awful things he said to he that night. They never spoke again, 10 years later she died.
I was really angry after it was put into my mind that I could have just went downtown and met my dad if my mom had of just told me the truth. I didn’t know why she would lie to me about who my dad was when she knew how important knowing my father was to me. I did eventually question her about what my brother had told me about us 3 kids having the same father. My mom swore on her life that I did not have the same dad as my older brothers and she does not know why my brother told me that.
Not having my father in my life has sucked big time! It hurts a lot. I wish I could have even just seen a picture of him, so I would know if I looked like him at all. I often wonder if he would have been a good dad. What would have my life been like if instead of becomming a permanent ward of the courts and being shipped from foster home to foster home, I got to go live with my dad. Where and who would I be now?
I know I made a lot of bad choices growing up. I was always looking for a man to love me, but it was never right or never enough for me. I gave myself freely many times and let many men walk all over me and control me, belittle me, abuse me and use mein exchange for love that I never got.
I missed having my dad in my life and I still do everyday. Will I ever get over never knowing where I came from? I don’t know. Is this something that should effect me and my life so hugely? I don’t know, there are millions of people who don’t know their parent or even parents and they get on just fine. Then there is me, who doesn’t know how to act at a family dinner or on Christmas morning. Me who feels uncomfortable around other people’s families durning a holiday or celebration. Me who is silently jealous of every person, especially my friends who have a loving mother and father and a tight family.
Who is going to walk me down the isle?
Guess love and family is all that matters in life to me. I yearn for it, dream of it and have searched my whole life for it.